Secrets
by Numb3rsfan
Summary: Many secrets revolve around Roddie Gage’s past and one in particular which is preparing to come out. Crappy summary, I know.
1. Station 51

**Secrets**

By

**Numb3rsfan**

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Angst, H/C, OOC, AU and Language.

Author's Notes: Ok, most of this overall plot is from the film Love's Enduring Promise, so if you haven't seen that then you may or may not get this. Also, any and all grammatical mistakes are my own. And one more thing this is set after season 1 and before season 2.

PS: In this one, Johnny Gage isn't a part of Station 51. In fact, no one has even heard of him.

Disclaimer: I don't own Emergency, so in other words, please don't sue. Also, I don't own any part of Love's Enduring Promise and most of the lines used from the film have been reworded!

Summary: Many secrets revolve around Roddie Gage's past and one in particular which is preparing to come out. (Crappy summary, I know.)

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Chapter One: Station 51

Station 51 was an overall brand new station located deep in Carson which was a pretty good sized chunk of LA. It was supposed to house paramedic firefighters as well as the usual firefighters, but for some reason that wasn't happening.

Apparently not enough people signed up for the program, and one of the paramedics who had taken the course and who had been assigned _to_ Station 51 had decided to up and take the training class again!

So now Captain Hank Stanley was waiting for the class to end so he could find out if he was finally going to get his paramedic team.

The one paramedic that he knew he was getting was Roy DeSoto. Roy was in his late 20's early 30's and from what Hank had found out, his paramedic skills were beyond the best. In fact, Hank had found out that Roy had even requested that he be placed at Station 51. This news had caused Hank to beam with pride.

The other paramedic he had supposed to have gotten decided that this life wasn't for him, so he had dropped out of the department all together.

Shaking his head, Captain Stanley stood up from his chair, planning on heading for the day room of his station when the tones went off.

"**Engine 51. Fire at the petting zoo. Respond with Station 18. 1380 Wind Willow Dr. 1380 Wind Willow Dr. Cross street Larch. Time out 9:38."**

While dispatch had been talking, Captain Stanley had scribbled down the address before running for the engine. Inside, all in their turnout coats and hats were his men, Chet Kelly, Marco Lopez and Mike Stoker the engineer.

After slipping in to his own turnout coat and hat, Captain Stanley grabbed the mic before acknowledging the request with a "Station 51 10-4, KMG-365."

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First on the scene was station 18, followed by station 51. Captain Mike Howard from station 18 instructed his men to take an inch and a half around to the side, while he suggested to Captain Stanley of 51 to have his men tackle the front, to which Hank agreed.

Soon the hoses were rolled out and in the hands of the firefighters and the water was flowing, hitting the fire and causing more and more smoke to go up in to the air.

After several minutes, it was clear that two of the firemen from 18's were having problems with their hose.

"Hey Rod!" Jason Stapleton yelled to his buddy, Rod Gage.

"Yeah?" Rod yelled back, struggling to hear his friend over the fire right in front of them.

"Go see why our line isn't fully charged!" Jason yelled, gesturing to their engineer Tim Jennings, who was turning some knobs on their engine.

"Right!" Rod yelled, letting go of the line before turning and trotting over to the engine.

"Hey Timmie! What's the deal with the line? We just lost pressure!" Rod said when he was close enough to the engineer.

"Yeah I know! The engine's fouled up somehow. I'm doing my best to fix it!" Tim said, not taking his eyes off of the gauges in front of him.

Shaking his head, Rod looked to Jason who was watching him.

Smoothly Rod shrugged his shoulders before he looked to his left at the other station who was working the fire as well.

'_Station 51. The new station over on Carson.'_ Rod thought as he studied the men for a second. They all looked a little green to him, but hey, he was probably as green as they were, and he wasn't going to say anything about it!

Getting his mind back on the job, Rod was about to turn around and return to Jason when he saw a big diesel truck go by. On the back of the truck there were bags of something or the other.

In the blink of an eye Rod watched the line holding the bags down, snap and fly back, just as the truck rounded a curve, going faster than it should.

The bags in the back shifted and one flew right off the bed of the truck, heading straight for 51's captain!

Before Rod could shout a warning, the bag hit Captain Stanley head on, sending the older man right in to the side of 18's engine.

The man hit the vehicle with such force that his head actually left a dent in the metal!

As everyone turned and watched Captain Stanley fall to the ground unmoving, Rod was the only one who acted.

He knew that he legally couldn't do this, but he had taken the paramedics course over at Saint Frances before deciding that that life wasn't for him.

Quickly Rod ran over to the downed captain and gently rolled him over on to his back before he checked him over.

He was unconscious, that much was obvious.

A large, dark bruise was slowly forming on his temple where it had connected with the engine.

Without wasting a second, Rod took all the vitals he could before he felt a tap on his shoulder.

Looking up he saw the faces of two paramedics that he didn't know.

Rising he moved back and watched them work, wondering when the heck they had arrived.

As they were working, Rod told them what he suspected; that the captain had a concussion and bruises.

For that he only received two nods.

After several minutes the paramedics rose and loaded up Captain Stanley in to the ambulance to take him to Rampart, while Rod and the others started to put up the hose.

While he had been so focused on the downed captain, he didn't know that Station 51 had almost single handedly put out the fire with very little assistance from Station 18.

"Hey Rod!"

Turning, Rod saw Jason waving him forward towards the engine.

Blinking back the haze, Rod saw that everything was stowed away and the rest of the men were waiting on him.

Nodding his head, Rod jogged to the engine and climbed in while Timmy got it in gear and headed back for the staion.

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I just guessed on Roy's age, because I don't know how old he was supposed to be during the beginning of the program.


	2. Checking In

**Secrets**

Chapter Two: Checking In

The minute that the Station 18's engine pulled in, everyone climbed out and headed for the locker room since their shift had ended, and B shift was there; ready to take over.

Quietly Rod opened his locker and looked at himself in the mirror as he unbuttoned his soot covered uniform.

His black hair and brown eyes were a deep contrast from his semi pale skin which had black soot streaks all over it.

Grabbing his civilian clothing, Rod slipped in to them before closing his locker and going to the latrine where he scrubbed all of the soot off.

Then he headed out to his land rover; getting in and firing it up.

His first thought was to head home to his apartment; collapse on his bed and do nothing but sleep until his next shift, but something in the back of his mind told him to go check on Station 51's captain.

So before he knew it he had driven 30 miles; all the way over to Rampart General.

Sighing, Rod shut off the engine of his land rover, got out and headed inside.

'_Ok. A quick peek and then I'm going home.'_ He thought to himself, heading straight over to the nurse's desk.

Approaching the desk, Rod saw an older woman standing there, her eyes raking over a report that was in front of her; however her eyes went up and focused on him when he stopped in front of the desk.

"Ahhh! Rod! Good to see you." Dixie McCall said, flashing her one of a kind smile at him.

Rod nodded his head at Dixie, the only greeting he ever really offered her.

He knew that everyone in this hospital knew him as just plain Rod. In fact, all of the guys knew him as that as well, and if Rod had it his way, no one would ever find out his real name, because if they knew…well…he'd just as soon kill himself if the truth ever got out.

"Uh Dixie…how's…how's station 51's captain?" Rod asked.

"Ahhh…Captain Hank Stanley. He's doing well. He's got several bad bruises as well as a concussion. He should be released in two days, then spend a week at home then he'll be free to return to work." Dixie said.

"Could…could I see em'?" Rod asked.

At this Dixie just smiled before she motioned Rod to follow her.

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Rod followed Dixie to a door; only slowing when she pushed it open.

"Captain Stanley, you have a visitor." Dixie said before she turned and watched Rod enter the room.

"Ahh, the young fireman who checked me over. I'm grateful to you son. What's your name?" Hank asked as he fixed Rod with a stare.

While Hank had been talking, Dixie had left the room to return to the nurse's station, leaving Rod alone with Hank.

"Uh…Rod…sir." Rod said hesitantly.

"Rod what?" Hank asked.

"Just Rod sir." Rod replied.

Hank nodded his head, seeing that this talk about his last name was making Rod uneasy.

"Anyway, I wanted to thank you again for what you did back at that scene. Your professionalism and quickness…you looked to me like a paramedic!" Hank said.

"Actually I took the course over at St. Frances; passed it too." Rod said.

"What happened? Why weren't you certified?" Hank asked.

"I…I chickened out…I guess you could say. That kind of life terrified me so much that I left before the certification process could be completed." Rod said.

"If it scared you, why'd you take it to begin with?" Hank asked.

"My buddies suckered me in to it. When it first started I decided to stick it out. Then when I realized the repercussions of being dubbed a paramedic…I left." Rod said.

"Would you consider completing the process?" Hank asked.

"Why?"

"Because I need a paramedic for my station. You are the fastest and brightest one I've seen." Hank said.

"But…paramedics always work in teams." Rod said.

"I know. I have the other half of the team already. I just need one more person." Hank said.

"Who's the other half?" Rod asked.

"Roy DeSoto." Came the reply.

Rod thought about this; from what he heard, Roy was supposed to be the best of the best and working with him would be considered a privilege.

"I'll…I'll think about it." Rod replied before he stood up and left the room.

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A week and a half later Captain Stanley returned to Station 51, having completely healed; and another three weeks after that Hank got a surprise.

At the start of shift Roy DeSoto came and checked in with him before retreating to the day room.

Not five minutes later there came a knock on his door.

Looking up Hank was surprised to see that it was young Rod dressed in his uniform. Not only was he wearing his firefighter's badge, but he was also wearing a paramedics badge as well!

"Rod?" Hank asked, standing up and motioning him in to the office.

Seeing the smile on the man's face, Rod relaxed somewhat as he handed a piece of paper to Hank.

"This is to let you know that I have been successfully transferred to your station." Rod said as Hank read the paper.

"Let me tell you I'm surprised you are here! Glad, but surprised." Hank said.

"Yeah…me too. At first I wasn't going to do it, but I talked with my captain and he told me that he'd support whatever decision I'd make, so when I went to Rampart and asked them how long it would take to get me certified…" Rod broke off, not knowing what to say next.

"How long did it take?" Hank asked.

"Two weeks, surprisingly. I was fully expecting it to take several months." Rod said.

As Rod was speaking, Hank's eyes flashed to his name badge which simply said Rod.

He knew that there had to have been a good reason for him to just have his first name on that badge, but he guessed there must have been a good reason for it to have been done.

"Have you met the others?" Hank asked, receiving a shake of Rod's head.

Smiling, Hank led Rod out of the office and in to the day room where everyone was chatting and drinking coffee.

When the captain entered the room, they all stopped talking and turned their attention to him.

"Guys this is Rod. He's just transferred over here from Station 18. Rod, this is Roy," Captain Stanley said, gesturing to Roy who waved at Rod, "He's going to be your partner on the squad. And this is Chet Kelly,"

Chet also waved at Rod while seeming to size him up. Needless to say Rod didn't look at him for very long, "Marco Lopez,"

Rod looked at Marco who smiled and nodded his head in greeting, to which Rod copied.

"And this is our engineer, Mike Stoker."

Rod watched as Mike came over and offered a hand, to which Rod took and shook it.

"Welcome to Station 51 Rod." Mike said.

"Thanks." Rod said nervously.

All of the guys could tell he was nervous, so they decided to make the transition easy.

Rising from their chairs they all went over to him and clapped him on the back and offered him handshakes.

In no time Rod had relaxed and was actually smiling.

Meanwhile Captain Stanley leaned against the wall watching everything, thinking that Rod looked so familiar to him, but for the life of him he couldn't think of why that was.

'_Eh, maybe nothing.'_ He thought to himself as he glanced at his wristwatch.

"Ok guys, roll call!" He called before turning and heading out to the apparatus bay.


	3. Accident

**Secrets**

Chapter Three: Accident

Squad 51 had just returned from an unknown type rescue. There had been two victims; a boy and his father trapped in an abandoned house. It took forever for Rod and Roy to get them out, then the father had enough gall to have a heart attack, forcing Rod and Roy to take him to Rampart.

When they entered the day room of the station they found their caption on the floor, his hands clutching at his leg where a large kitchen knife was sticking out of it.

Kneeling beside him was Marco Lopez who was trying to stop the bleeding.

Rod and Roy took one look at the scene before they sprung in to action.

While Roy went to get the equipment, Rod got a hold of the LA dispatcher and took the station out of service before going over to Hank.

As he was ripping away Hank's pant leg, he asked; "What happened here?"

"It was an accident. I was goofing around with the knife. It just slipped from my hand and hit Cap in his leg." Marco said.

Turning slightly, Rod saw Roy approaching with the drug box in one hand and the biophone in the other.

"I'll contact Rampart." Roy said as he began to set up the biophone, while Rod took the drug box and removed the stethoscope and BP cuff.

Quickly he took Cap's vitals before giving them to Roy who in turn gave them to Rampart.

While Roy was waiting on instructions, Rod took several dry dishcloths from Mike and wrapped them around the knife still imbedded in Cap's leg; helping to support the knife since it would be a bad idea to go ahead and remove it.

Looking back at his partner, Rod watched Roy as he put the biophone down.

"D5W and transport." Roy said.

Nodding his head Rod quickly set up the IV while he heard Roy go out and wait for the ambulance which had been dispatched to their location.

When it arrived they loaded Hank up and took him straight to Rampart.

Roy rode with him while Rod took the squad.

As he was driving Rod was suddenly reminded of his father's leg injury that he had received a long time ago. Of course he had refused medical treatment and wound up with an infection in his leg.

Still refusing treatment, Rod had to watch as his mother came in and literally burned the infection out of the leg. Still even then his father had developed a limp in that leg which Rod guessed he had to this day.

Looking back out, Rod realized that they had arrived at the station.

Smoothly he backed the squad up in to the emergency entrance before going inside; barely seeing the back of his partner's blue coat going in to emergency treatment one.

Sighing Rod headed for the doctor's lounge to get himself a cup of coffee.

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Hearing a door creak; Rod looked up to see his partner's head peeking through.

"How is he?" Rod asked, putting his coffee cup down on the table and rising from the couch.

"He's going to be off of work for a month but he's going to be fine." Roy said, holding the door open for his partner who soon joined him out in the hall.

"Good, good to know." Rod said with a nod of his head.

He was silent for a minute before he decided to change the subject.

"Hey never got to ask you what you were making for dinner tonight." He said.

Roy looked at him for a second as they walked out of the hospital and over to the squad.

"Chicken Parmesan." Roy said simply, getting in to the driver's side and shutting the door.

"Chicken Para…what?" Rod asked, getting in to the passenger side and also shutting the door, watching as Roy fired up the squad and pulled away from the hospital.

"Chicken Parmesan. The chicken's got different seasonings, plus it's covered in tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese. It's really good." Roy said.

He glanced over at Rod just in time to catch his _'ew gross'_ look before it faded.

"Why don't you let me cook tonight?" Rod asked.

"Because Cap asked me too and besides all you know how to fix are hamburgers and hot dogs with the occasional salad or potato salad." Roy said.

"Oh come on; at least they are edible!" Rod shot back.

"Yeah and so's my chicken parmesan! Tell you what, you take one bite and if you don't like it then you don't have to eat any more. Deal?" Roy asked.

Rod was silent for a moment before he nodded his head and replied, "Deal."

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Rod sat on the small picnic table in the 'backyard' of the station watching the sunset.

Inside Rod knew that Roy was in the midst of making his famous chicken para whatever you call it. Mike was in his bunk reading and Chet and Marco were having a conversation about their mothers.

As Rod watched the sunset, it reminded him of a sunset that he would never forget.

It was the sunset that had changed his life for the worst and had forced him in to making a decision that had ultimately forced him to leave home.

Sniffling Rod looked down at his hands; in them was a sturdy piece of oak almost as long as his leg. Resting on the table was a sharp knife and on the ground were wood chips.

Rod had been cutting off the bark; trying to smooth it and shape it in to a cane for Captain Stanley, because he knew with an injury like that; getting around would be hard, and the walkers and crutches that Rampart would give him wouldn't be all that comfortable to use.

Swallowing, Rod reached over, grabbed the knife and continued to work on it until Roy called him in to eat.

Saying he wasn't hungry wouldn't accomplish anything, so Rod put the wood piece down on the table along with the knife before standing up and brushing the wood chips off of his pants, then he turned and headed inside.


	4. True Identity

**Secrets**

Chapter Four: True Identity

Two weeks went by and in that span of time Rod was able to finish the wooden cane. As he was heading for his rover, he was almost afraid to give it to his captain; afraid that he would become the laughing stock of the station for doing something like this, but deep down he felt that he had to do it.

Sighing, Rod sat in the driver's seat of his rover for several minutes; working up the courage to go see Captain Stanley.

It wasn't just the fact that Hank Stanley was his captain, nor was it the fact that Rod was fairly new around the station. It was the fact that Rod knew exactly who Hank Stanley was…and this knowledge scared him. It kept him wondering if Hank were to ever remember who Rod truly was…what would he think of him?

Slowly Rod drove down the road, going just below the speed limit; his nerves still pretty frayed.

As he pulled to a stop on the street in front of the Stanley house, Rod looked over at the two story brick house and nearly lost his courage right there, but something pushed him onward, so grabbing the cane, Rod exited his land rover and walked up the driveway before tapping on the front door.

He waited a full thirty seconds before the door opened to reveal Captain Stanley standing there, the crutches under his arms keeping his weight off of his injured leg.

"Captain Stanley." Rod said, surprised to see that it was him who had answered the door.

"Rod! This is unexpected…come in…come in!" Hank said, hobbling back so Rod could enter the house.

Slowly Rod walked in before watching Hank shut the door.

Then he slowly followed Hank in to the living room before helping him get situated on the couch.

"I uh…I just stopped by today to give you this. I know that you can't use it yet but when your leg is stronger…" Rod said, handing Hank the cane.

Hank took it and ran a practiced eye over it before running his hands along its side, feeling the smoothness of the wood.

"Handmade?" Hank asked.

"Yes sir." Rod said.

"Rod, I'm off duty, you don't have to call me sir. Call me Hank." Hank said.

Rod smiled a little before he nodded and continued, "With injuries like that, I know how hard it can be to get around at first."

"You had some experience with a bum leg yourself?" Hank asked, focusing on Rod who shook his head and replied, "My dad. Didn't want to see a doctor. He needed a cane for months after that."

Hank who had glanced away for a second immediately looked back at Rod; recognition shining in his eyes when he heard that, though he immediately dampened that down so Rod wouldn't catch on.

Starting to feel slightly uncomfortable Rod said, "Well that's all I really came over for. I'd better go."

With that he stood up and quickly showed himself out; glad to be out of that place!

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For the rest of his downtime Hank Stanley spent it resting and exercising his leg, making sure it was strong enough.

Finally two days before he had to go back to work, Hank Stanley limped outside with the aide of the cane that Rod had made.

Slowly he limped over to his truck and slid in before firing it up and driving off.

He drove for hours, knowing exactly where he was going.

As he drove he watched the mile markers go by and the occasional sign which let him know how far away he was getting from his home in LA.

Finally however he arrived in a small town mostly inhabited by Indians, though there were a few white people living there as well.

Turning down a dirt road, Hank drove up the hill before pulling to a stop and limping out, his cane and a pair of binoculars in hand.

Laying down on his belly Hank looked over at a small cabin that was by a stream.

The cabin was in a fair state of disrepair having a lot of broken boards lying on the ground.

The grass was pretty tall and covered everything except the porch.

The porch was barren of everything expect an old rocker and in this rocker was a man; a cane at his side.

Through the binoculars, Hank watched the man staring off in to the distance as he continued to rock back and forth.

A long time ago this man and Hank Stanley had been close friends, but when tragedy struck, the man in the rocker just fell apart, and now he had lost everything. His house basically, his family and from the look of it, his soul.

"Oh Nicolas…" Hank muttered, shaking his head as he lowered the binoculars and stood up, albeit painfully.

Turning Hank limped back to his truck to begin the drive home.

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Two days later, the A shift of Station 51 slowly filed in.

First there was Mike, followed closely by Marco and Chet. Then there came Hank, Roy and Rod.

"It's good to have you back sir." Mike said, greeting Cap as he entered the day room.

Mike wasn't the only one who was glad to get rid of Captain Omura whom he silently called Captain Slave driver.

That Captain Omura had then all running drills day in and day out last shift and he kept putting them down, stating that his station was better than 51's.

Those remarks had put everyone on edge, and so they were more than happy when this shift rolled around because their own captain would be returning.

"It's good to be back. Roll call in thirty." Hank said, deciding to give his men an extra fifteen minutes.

Hearing this all of his men smiled and raised their coffee cups in his direction before returning to their conversations.

Meanwhile Rod just put his coffee cup down and headed outside in to the fresh air; Captain Stanley following seconds later.

Going over to the back fence, Rod looked out at nothing for a second before he looked at Cap, wondering what he wanted.

"I just wanted to say thanks for making that fancy cane for me and bringing it by the house." He said.

"It's no problem. As I said before, I know how hard it can be to get around at first." Rod said.

"Yeah," Hank said as he nodded his head before pressing on; "Two days ago I headed out in to the hills to see some of the old landmarks that I had become familiar with when I was younger."

"The hills and country side are nice and green this year." Rod said as he turned to look away.

"Yes they are…" Hank said before he paused for a second, "Johnny."

Hearing that name, Rod turned and looked at Hank, a look of sadness deep in his eyes.

As he looked at his captain, Johnny knew that Cap had figured it out.

"H…how long have you known?" Johnny asked sadly.

"A boy does a lot of changing and growing in his teen years, and when you told me about your father's leg; well that confirmed it for me." Hank said, going over to Johnny and placing a supportive hand on his shoulder, which Johnny shrugged off.

"My middle name's Roderick…Rod." Johnny said with a small nod of his head, "Been using it for years. I thought that if I could change my name then I could change my past."

"And how's that working out for you, son?" Hank asked.

Johnny had never heard of _any_ captain calling one of his men "son" so he didn't reply for a second.

When he cleared his throat he said, "Most times it feels like the past is breathing down my neck; reminding me that I'm Johnny; even in a room full of people who call me Rod."

Hank nodded his head at this before he said, "Your family had a lot of things to deal with…and it must have been real hard on all of you."

As he was speaking he caught the slightly hurt slightly angry look that Johnny shot at him.

"Tragedy…happens. A real family pulls together…mine ripped apart!" Johnny said, a few tears coming to his face as he thought about it.

Swallowing he continued, "Ma she…she grieved herself crazy before going back home and dad…he just quit. He would never do anything cept' sit in that dang rocking chair and stare off in to nothing! So…so I ran away a few years ago. I just had to get away."

Hank was silent for a minute before he said, "I guess you have your reasons for coming back to California."

Looking at Hank, Johnny asked, "How did you know I left?"

"When you were reported missing the whole town went out looking for you. A man passing through admitted that he picked you up and took you somewhere out of the state, but he would never tell us where." Hank said.

Nodding, Johnny swallowing before going back to the previous conversation.

Sighing he said softly, "I have some things that need to be said to my dad."

As he spoke he felt the familiar lump in his throat, forcing him to stop for a moment to collect himself.

"I came so close to going home…and I couldn't face my dad...not after I left like I did." Johnny said, his jaw trembling.

As Hank watched him, he saw the scared and hurt little boy that he had seen at the time of the accident years ago.

He wanted to go over there and wrap his arms around Johnny and comfort him, but he told himself that Johnny was a grown man serving under him in a fire station and something like that would be considered inappropriate.

So as Johnny started to cry, all Hank could really do was place a hand on his shoulder. The only form of comfort he could offer.

Glancing back at the station, Hank was at least glad that none of the rest of his crew had heard or was watching what was going on.

Turning back, Hank saw Johnny wipe the tears from his face as he struggled to get his emotions under control.

"Johnny…go wash your face and then line up for roll call. We'll wait on you." Hank said softly before he turned and re entered the station's day room.


	5. Seeing his Father

**Secrets**

Chapter Five: Seeing his Father.

As Johnny took his place in the line up, he looked to Captain Stanley who seemed to eye him no differently than he had that morning.

"Ok listen up. Mike, you and Marco hang the hoses and clean the dorms. Roy you have the kitchen, Rod you have the bay and Chet you have the special honor of cleaning the latrine." Cap said with a smile.

He waited several seconds before he turned and entered his office, affectively ending roll call for that day.

As everyone went to start the tasks that they had been assigned, Johnny inwardly sighed; glad and grateful that Cap had called him Rod, just so everyone else wouldn't start asking questions.

As he got the mop bucket and wheeled it over to the small garden hose that was hooked up to the faucet, Johnny began to think that maybe Cap was right in his hinted statement that he should go back and see his father…get everything off of his chest, but deep down Johnny was terrified that his father wouldn't accept him; wouldn't even want to see him after what he'd done.

Swallowing, Johnny grabbed a packet of soap and ripped it open; dribbling the soap in to the mop bucket before running some hot water in to the bucket.

Once it was full enough, Johnny shut off the water before grabbing the dry mop and sticking it in.

Mopping the floor was something that he really didn't enjoy that much, but he figured this way he could be alone for awhile and think things through. Hey, cleaning the bay floor was a whole lot better than what Chet Kelly had been stuck with!

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"**Squad 51. Child caught in safe; child caught in safe. 46****th**** and Harper, 46****th**** and Harper. Cross street Post. Time out 10:30."**

"Squad 51, 10-4 KMG-365."

Taking the hastily written down call slip, Hank handed it to Roy who in turn handed it to Johnny before they roared out of the sparkling clean bay.

As Roy pulled out on to the street; sirens blaring, Johnny just glanced out the window, trusting that Roy knew which way to go, even though he knew that he was supposed to be directing him.

As he stared at the passing scenery his thoughts went back to the conversation he had had with Cap right after he had finished mopping the bay floor.

_/\Flashback/\_

_TAP TAP_

_Slowly, almost timidly Johnny poked his head in to the office and saw Cap lift his head to look at him._

"_Cap…could I talk with you?" Johnny asked._

_Almost immediately Cap nodded his head and gestured to the single chair in front of his desk._

_Feeling a bit insecure, Johnny entered the office and shut the door before slowly sitting down in the chair._

"_First I'd…I'd like to thank you for not…" Johnny paused, not really sure what to say._

"_For not telling the guys your secret?" Hank asked._

_To this Johnny nodded his head before swallowing the lump in his throat._

_As he looked up at Cap, he saw that Cap was leaning across his desk, fixing Johnny with that look that he had become accustomed with._

"_Johnny, when I saw your father I saw a man whose face was full of regret and loneliness. I believe deep down that he is ready to make amends with you." Hank said._

"_I don't know if I can, Cap. He…he didn't say a word when Ma left; I don't think he even knew at first. I doubt he even said a word when I finally ran off." Johnny said._

"_That's not the point John. The point is that you know you did the wrong thing and that you are sorry for what you did.. It is time for you to face your father and to try and get past this obstacle in your life. You can't run from it anymore." Cap replied._

_Slowly Johnny looked down at his hands before he bit his lip and nodded his head._

"_Listen, I know you're scared about how things will go over there, but I'm sure that your father will be happy to see you." Hank said._

_Looking back up at his captain, Johnny offered a small ghost of a smile before he stood up from his chair and headed to the door._

"_Thanks Cap." He said before he opened the door and walked out; not two seconds later the tones sounded._

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Pulling up to the house Johnny and Roy saw a very distraught teenager wringing her hands together.

Her face looked flushed and her bangs were plastered to her face as she kept glancing at the squad and then back at the house.

"Please! You have to help him!" The teenage girl said as Johnny and Roy got out and went to the side compartments on the passenger side.

"What happened?" Roy asked as Johnny opened the door and grabbed the drug box and biophone.

"I was babysitting the Powell's son, Adam; he…he was playing around with his parents huge safe. Somehow he…he locked himself inside and I don't know the combination! He also said something about the safe being airtight!...I don't know!" The girl replied.

Hearing that, Roy grabbed the O2 before following Johnny in to the house.

Swiftly the girl led the two paramedics over to the safe before stepping back; knowing they needed the room to work.

Placing the drug box and biophone down, Johnny knelt next to the safe and knocked on the door.

"Adam, this is the fire department. How are you doing in there?" Johnny asked rather loudly.

"Just get me out mister! It's…getting hard to breathe in here." A scared voice replied.

"Ok, I'm going to get the torch." Roy said as he stood up. Johnny stopped him and said, "Roy, also contact LA and have 'em send out the engine. We're going to need a steady stream of water to keep the boy cool inside the safe while we're torching it."

"Right!" Roy replied before he jogged outside.

While he was gone, Johnny turned back to the safe and said, "Don't worry Adam; me and my partner are going to have you out of there in no time."

"How are you going to get me out?" Adam asked, still sounding as scared as ever.

"We're going to have to cut in to the safe; remove the door." Johnny replied.

"Will it hurt?"

Johnny smiled a little before he shook his head; knowing the kid couldn't see it.

"No it's not going to hurt, though it will get pretty hot in there." Johnny said.

"Couldn't you just cut it open?" Adam asked.

"No…the K-12's blade can't penetrate the stuff the safe is made out of, so we are going to use a blow torch." Johnny replied.

Adam was silent for a minute before he asked, "What's the K-12?"

"It's a big saw we carry in case we need to cut people out." Johnny explained calmly.

"Oh, okay." Adam said.

No sooner had he said that than Roy returned with the blow torch in hand.

Kneeling down next to Johnny he said, "Engine's on its way. Should be here in a few minutes."

"Kay." Johnny replied; helping Roy set up the torch so that by the time the engine crew got there, they'd be ready to get the show on the road.

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"Ok Adam…here we go!" Johnny warned as Roy fired up the torch and started cutting in to the safe door.

As he was working, Johnny could hear Cap asking the girl where the boy's parents were. He heard her reply that they were out of state and wouldn't be back for two more days.

'_This boy might need some first aid when they get back.'_ Johnny thought as he held the hose steady.

After a few minutes Roy turned off the torch allowing Johnny to spray some cold water in to the hole, before Roy moved back in to start again.

It took another fifteen minutes but finally the hinges to the safe door were gone.

Shutting down the torch, Roy put it aside as Chet and Marco moved in; both grasped the door and lifted it up and away.

Once the door was gone; both Johnny and Roy peeked in to see a boy with sandy colored hair sitting on some papers.

He was leaning against the back of the safe; eyes closed.

"Adam…how are you feelin'?" Johnny asked as he moved past Roy to slip the O2 mask over Adam's face while Roy turned the O2 on; full flow.

"Better now that the door's off. I thought the walls were caving in on me." Adam said; not moving as Johnny took his vitals and checked his pupil's reaction.

"How's he look?" Roy asked after a minute; giving his partner time to check the patient out.

"Vital signs are normal. I think he was just a little oxygen starved." Johnny replied as he helped ease the boy out of the safe.

While Johnny was doing this, Roy turned to the girl who breathed a big sigh of relief at seeing her young charge alive and well.

"He's going to be ok, but I think it would be a good idea to schedule an appointment with his pediatrician to make sure he's ok." Roy said.

"Yes thank you. I'll…I'll do that." The girl said, nodding her head.

Turning her attention back to Adam who was now seated on his parent's bed, she shook her head slightly at the boy who just shrugged his shoulders as a response.

Meanwhile, Johnny and Roy had all of their equipment gathered up and decided to let themselves out of the house.

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By the time they got back to the station their shift had finally ended.

It was a little weird with them getting off in the middle of the day, but that was how Station 51 worked. They arrived midday and they left midday, while all of the other stations kept up their routines of arriving in the mornings and leaving in the mornings.

Bypassing the locker room, Johnny headed straight for his land rover; planning on going to his apartment to pack for two days before heading off to see his father.

The ride to his apartment didn't take long; nor did the packing since Johnny only packed some clothes and some food and water, then he hit the road.

As he drove along the highway his nerves started to get the best of him.

He started shaking all over and tapping his fingers on the wheel. Inwardly he told himself to stop but his body didn't listen to him.

'_Ok you are terrified at the prospect of this meeting but hell you've already packed. Just get it over with.'_ He thought to himself; finally getting off the highway and on to the turnpike.

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Slowly Johnny pulled to a stop along the road. Just to his left; behind a tall stand of trees was the run down drive that would lead him to his father's cabin.

Swallowing his fear, Johnny killed the engine to his land rover before getting out and shutting the door.

As he stared at the trees he could feel his heart rate increase and the shakes come over him again.

'_Come on…just calm down. You can do this, you can do this.'_ He encouraged himself, however it did little to help his nerves.

Closing his eyes, Johnny took a deep breath before opening them again. Then he slowly put one foot forward and then the other; never stopping as he approached and then passed the trees.

As he kept walking he kept his eyes forward, finally seeing his old home in the distance.

However what surprised him as he once again gazed on the place of his birth; was that his father wasn't in the rocking chair; it was actually empty.

Not letting that stop him, Johnny kept walking until he had walked up the steps and stood before the wooden door to the cabin.

Swallowing, Johnny raised a hand before knocking on the door.

"What's your business here, boy?"

Turning his head, Johnny saw his aged father leaning against the side of the cabin; eying him carefully.

Taking a small breath of courage, Johnny said, "Pa it's me, Johnny."

Hearing that, Johnny's father stood up straight and gasped audibly before he approached his son.

"My God…well I guess you would be old enough to have whiskers by now." He said in his usual monotone as he looked his son over.

To his statement, Johnny just nodded his head, keeping his gaze level and his eyes kind.

After a moment of silence Johnny's father said, "I'm making some coffee. Do you want a cup?"

Nodding his head, Johnny said, "Coffee sounds good."

As they entered the cabin; Johnny also heard his father mumble something about fixing some eggs as well.

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Author's Notes: A special thanks to my new beta, Showfan06! Thanks for your services!


	6. A Sad Truth

**Secrets**

Chapter Six: A Sad Truth

Johnny sat awkwardly in a chair as his father stood over the old stove cooking some eggs.

To Johnny's immediate left was a cup full of black coffee just like he liked it, and at his father's place at the table was another cup of coffee.

"Alright."

Johnny looked back at his father as the aged man turned from the stove; a small skillet in his hands.

"It's potatoes with scrambled eggs, just like you used to have." He said.

"Uh that wasn't me that was Jacob." Johnny said before he could even think about the implications of speaking that name.

Hearing that name caused Nicolas to stop and stand up straight before he muttered, "Jake…I hate to waste good food."

Turning, Nicolas headed for the trash can, intent on dumping the food in to the garbage.

"Uh…you know dad, I could try to eat some of that." Johnny said.

However it was too late to stop his father, who just dumped the food in to the garbage before he slammed the skillet down on the stove.

"You'll eat nothing now!" He said before he turned to face his son.

As Johnny looked at his father he could see all of the hurt and anger that he had kept bottled up inside come flaring out of his eyes.

"I haven't heard from you in years. I guess I'm entitled to forget a few things!" His father said in an almost accusing tone.

Swallowing Johnny timidly said, "Pa…I'm sorry that I left like I did."

He knew that his father was still deeply hurt by what had happened to the entire family. Johnny felt that his father was even blaming him for what happened; even though he had every right to do so.

"Well, least your ma had the guts to tell me to my face that she was leaving." Nicolas said, being mindful to keep the sorrow out of his voice.

Looking down at the wooden table, Johnny decided to take a chance and asked, "Do you know what happened to her?"

Almost immediately Johnny heard his father reply, "No!"

Not looking up, Johnny heard Nicolas turn to face him again, before he heard him say, "But…I guess that you are a lot like your momma."

Johnny completely understood what Nicolas meant by that.

To him it was like his father had compared him to his mother who had also run off, and Johnny knew that his father had a point about this…even though it still hurt to hear the accusation coming from his father's lips.

"Well…I'm here now, Pa. I…came back to set things right." Johnny said.

He paused for a minute, glancing up at Nicolas before he timidly said, "I hope you could…"

"What?! What can I do?! I could pretend that none of this ever happened?!" Nicolas asked; the anger and malice seeming to drip from his voice with every word.

"I'm not asking you to pretend anything Pa. I'm asking you to forgive me." Johnny replied in an almost pleading tone as he finally looked his father in the eyes.

"YOU WANT ME TO FORGIVE YOU?!" Nicolas roared; that being the last thing on his mind.

However, hearing his father yell like that set Johnny on edge and caused him to jump up out of his chair, his fists clenched. Thinking twice he forced himself to relax as he gazed at his father; finally realizing that forgiveness was never going to happen.

With tears brimming in his eyes, Johnny said, "Maybe you should forget you still have a son."

There was nothing else said as the two men looked at each other.

Finally Nicolas just stepped out of Johnny's way and gestured to the door.

At first Johnny was shocked, which caused a few tears to roll down his cheeks.

Gently nodding his head, Johnny walked out of the cabin and down the drive, never looking back to see if his father was watching.

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A day and a half later Johnny arrived at Station 51 right on time which was a first!

Parking his land rover, Johnny just sat in the driver's seat for a minute before he took the key out of the ignition and headed inside.

He ignored the greetings from Mike, Marco and Roy as he made a bee line for the locker room; grateful to hear the door close behind him.

Opening up his locker door, Johnny slipped in to his uniform before buttoning it up and attaching his two badges to the front of it.

After he was done he just stood there looking in to his locker as he thought about his encounter with his father.

Shaking his head he thought, _'I never should have gone. Things would have been so much better if I had just stayed away.'_

However he didn't get anymore time to dwell on that matter because not two seconds later Marco poked his head in and announced that it was time for roll call.

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Johnny was grateful that he wasn't assigned to the latrine, however doing the dorms wasn't much better. Mike and Roy were assigned to hang the hoses and clean the apparatus bay while Marco was assigned to the kitchen, and Chet was once again given the glorious job of cleaning the ever popular latrine.

Entering the dorms Johnny made short work stripping off the dirty sheets, wadding them up and throwing them in a corner.

Next he went to a small cupboard and removed several clean sheets and placed two on each bed.

Then he began to make the beds, making sure to start with Cap's first.

Once he was done, Johnny went and sat on the back porch staring off in to space.

He honestly had no idea how long he had been sitting there before he felt a shadow fall over him. The next thing he knew he heard the scrape on the concrete before he saw Cap sitting down next to him.

Johnny could feel Cap's eyes on his face. He guessed that Cap was just waiting for him to speak.

After a minute Johnny said, "I took your advice. I saw my dad." As he spoke he made sure to keep his eyes on the back fence.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Cap nod his head before he heard him reply, "I thought that's what you did."

Two seconds later Johnny turned his head to look at Cap, and Cap saw the hurt and anguish in Johnny's eyes, and he began to doubt that suggesting to Johnny that he go see his father was a good thing.

With his jaw quivering Johnny said, "According to him I ruined his life!"

Looking down Cap replied, "I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way you hoped, Johnny. I really thought that your father was ready to make amends with you."

Shaking his head Johnny exclaimed, "He'll never be ready to do that…he'll never forgive me."

Looking over once again at Johnny, Cap gently placed a hand on his shoulder before he softly said, "You are his son."

Once again Johnny shook his head before he replied, "Not anymore. Pa and I made that clear."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cap asked.

Hearing that question caused Johnny to rise to his feet and move off a bit.

"Talking about it doesn't change anything!" He exclaimed.

Slowly Cap also rose to his feet, however he remained where he was standing as his eyes tracked Johnny's slow progress to the far fence.

"Sometimes just talking it through will help you see things in a whole different light." Cap said, never taking his eyes off of Johnny.

"There isn't any light in the world that can make this better." Johnny mumbled more to himself than to his captain.

Shaking his head Cap replied, "It can't hurt to try, son."

He saw Johnny shake his head slightly and start to say something, but Cap spoke once again and said, "Unless you're afraid!"

Hearing that Johnny whirled around to face Cap; seeing the look in the older man's eyes caused Johnny to stop right where he was and think about this.

Finally he decided to try it Cap's way, so he licked his lips and began his sad tale.

"I used to set animal traps for dad. Jake was always after me to let him come along," Johnny began. He received a nod from Cap encouraging him to continue, which Johnny did.

"I didn't want him to; I just figured he'd slow me down. I didn't want him to," Johnny said, his voice starting to crack under all of the emotion that he was feeling, but he managed to press on, "I just figured he'd get in the way. Jake had that way about him. He just _had_ to get momma and dad to let him have his way."

_/\FLASHBACK/\_

_Two young boys slowly walked farther and farther in to the woods._

_The taller boy who was obviously the oldest had one animal trap slung over his shoulder as he intently stared at the ground, trying to find the right place to set this last trap._

_He had to make his father proud of him; he had to prove to his father that he was a good trapper._

_Behind him, the younger boy slowed down a bit as he anxiously looked around._

"_When are we going to set that last trap Johnny?" Jacob asked._

"_When I find the right place!" Johnny replied, obviously annoyed that his brother was with him._

_He had decided two hours back that once he got home he was going to have a strong talk with his parents about Jacob. He told himself that one way or another Jacob would not be accompanying him again on any more animal trap outings!_

"_When are we going to eat the food that momma sent?" Jacob asked._

"_When we get hungry!" Johnny replied, getting angry at his brother's endless questions._

"_How do you know when it's the right time for the traps?"_

"_Can't you HUSH UP for just TWO SECONDS?! I can't CONCENTRATE with you yammering on and ON!" Johnny yelled._

_Surprised and hurt by the ferocity coming from his brother, Jacob stopped and stared at him for several seconds before he continued on after him._

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As Johnny paused, Cap looked at him in time to see him swallow and look upward for a second before he took a deep breath and continued, "I don't know how I lost track of the day. I guess I was just so intent on getting those traps set so dad would know what a good trapper I really was. Thinking back I don't know how I couldn't see how tired and worried Jacob was."

_/\FLASHBACK/\_

_Jacob kept stumbling after his brother for several more hours before he murmured, "I'm cold and it's getting dark. Don't you think we should head back now?"_

"_I have one more trap to set." Johnny replied, risking a short glance at his brother before he returned his gaze to the ground._

"_But momma's going to be worried." Jacob persisted._

"_Hush! I have to make this last trap count. Pa's depending on me." Johnny replied._

_/\END FLASHBACK/\_

"It was like a curtain had dropped over the sun. One minute I could see where I was going, the next minute it was so dark that I couldn't make out the right way to go." Johnny murmured.

_/\FLASHBACK/\_

_Johnny and Jacob both stumbled along the road, their hands gripped their coats as they tried to wrap it tighter around their bodies._

_Finally they stopped at the base of a tree and flopped down on the cold, dead leaves._

_Teeth chattering from the cold, Johnny said, "I'm so sorry Jacob. I should have listened to you. There isn't any way I can get us home in the dark."_

_Jacob looked at his brother with scared eyes._

_Johnny saw this but didn't notice that his brother was barely shivering now._

"_May…Maybe Pa will come find us?" Jacob suggested, his voice seemingly laced with pain…or was that exhaustion? Johnny couldn't tell._

"_Maybe. More than likely we'll have to wait out the night and head home at first light." Johnny said, settling himself out on the ground._

"_I'm…awful cold Johnny." Jacob murmured, wishing he had the strength to snuggle up close to his brother, but the cold air had zapped all of his strength from him._

_Looking over at his brother, Johnny reached out and grabbed Jacob's small body, dragging him closer._

"_Here. You have to get close to me. I'll…I'll keep you w…warm." Johnny said through chattering teeth as he closed his eyes to try and get some rest._

_Now at his side, Jacob's eyes also started to drift closed but he managed to say, "Thanks Johnny," before he fell asleep._

_/\END FLASHBACK/\_

"Thanks Johnny. The kid is shivering and shaking in the cold and he says thanks." Johnny said, ending the story.

Cap, not feeling that the story was over asked, "Then what happened?"

Instead of continuing on, Johnny just glanced back at Cap and said, "I was right. Talking about it doesn't change anything."

With that said, Johnny turned away from Cap and re entered the station.


	7. The Gravesite

**Secrets**

Chapter Seven: The Gravesite

Johnny had a hard time keeping his jaw from quivering as he brushed past Marco and Roy.

Both of them hated to see the younger man upset; thinking that it was something that Cap had said to him.

Glancing at Marco, Roy had just decided to go talk to Johnny when the tones went off.

"**Squad 51. Unknown type rescue, 46****th**** and Alameda. 46****th**** and Alameda cross street Archer. Time out 11:30."**

Shrugging his shoulders, Roy turned and ran for the squad.

Taking the call slip from Cap, Roy climbed in and immediately handed the call slip to Johnny who was already in the squad; helmet on.

Pulling out of the bay Roy immediately made a right on to Carson while Johnny looked down at the call slip.

"46th and Alameda. Go down the alley at the crossroads. It'll shave a good two minutes off of the time." Johnny said.

"Okey dokey." Roy replied; immediately switching lanes before turning in to the alley.

At the other end of the alley, Roy checked both ways before making a right on to Archer.

Going a few blocks down Archer, Roy made another left before arriving at the listed address to find a woman pacing back and forth rather worriedly.

Jumping out of the squad, Johnny went to the side compartments while the woman rushed up to them and said, "Please! It's my son, you must help him! His bunk bed collapsed in on him and now he's trapped!"

Nodded their heads, Roy and Johnny grabbed the biophone along with the IV and drug boxes before following the woman in to the house.

"Where is your son?" Roy asked just as soon as they had reached the second floor.

Quickly the woman pointed to the left at the only open door down that passage way.

"There that door on the left! Please you must hurry!" She said franticly.

"We will ma'am, we will. Now you just have to stay back." Johnny said as he eased his way past Roy and in to the bedroom.

Once inside Johnny saw the reason for the panic. The wooden bed had collapsed alright, but it also appeared that the bed had also brought down some shelves which contained some glass cages of some sort.

Roy entered the room next, quickly scanning it with his eyes before he turned back to the woman and asked, "What's your son's name?"

"Matthew." The woman answered.

Turning back towards the debris Roy called, "Matthew, Matthew can you hear me?"

From somewhere underneath the broken boards a muffled voice replied, "Get me out, I'm scared!"

"There's nothing to be scared about Matthew; we'll get you out." Roy shouted back before he turned to Johnny.

"What do you think?" Johnny asked; already knowing that they could go ahead and lift the boards off of the boy, but they didn't know what sort of shape he was in.

"There isn't much else we can do except lift the boards off of him" Roy said.

With a nod of his head; Johnny turned and faced the broken boards.

"Matthew, are you hurt, and can you move?" Johnny asked; trying to ascertain what sort of shape the boy was in at the moment.

"My arm and head hurt, and no I can't move! Something's on my chest…can't move it." Matthew said.

"Alright, just stay calm. My partner and I will have you out of there in a minute." Johnny said calmly, trying to calm the boy down, because even he could hear the child's panicked breathing coming from under the pile.

Seeing Roy offer him his gloves, Johnny took them and quickly put them on before heading over to the broken boards.

"Ok Matthew, if something starts hurting I'm going to need you to shout; let me know what I'm doing wrong." Johnny said, receiving a vacant "ok" from the wood.

Bending down, Johnny grasped two long pieces of wood before handing them to Roy, who put them in the hall. They worked like that for fifteen minutes straight before Johnny finally uncovered the boy's chest.

Removing the board covering the boy's chest; Johnny was relieved to see the boy open his eyes and focus them on his face.

"Hi, how are you doing?" Johnny asked, sliding off the board that was covering Matthew's feet.

"My arm hurts bad; my head too." Matthew moaned while Johnny carefully palpated the arm in question.

"Here."

Looking back, Johnny saw Roy holding out the BP cuff and a stethoscope.

With a nod of thanks Johnny took them while Roy stated he would open up the line to Rampart.

Five minutes later Johnny jotted down the boy's vitals before passing the small notebook to Roy who said, "Rampart, the vital signs are: BP 100 over 95, pulse 90, pupils equal and reactive."

"_10-4, 51. Does the child have any other injuries besides the small bump to his head?"_

Roy looked at Johnny who nodded his head and said, "He's got a broken radius and ulna in his right arm."

"Uh, that's a 10-4 Rampart. The patient has a broken radius and ulna in his right arm." Roy repeated over the biophone.

"_51 start D5W IV, 10 mgs. Also immobilize the arm and neck and transport."_

"10-4 Rampart." Roy said before he put the biophone down and handed the C-collar to Johnny who gently placed it around the boy's neck.

At this point Matthew started to panic because he didn't understand why Johnny was putting the C-collar on him.

Seeing the boy's distress Johnny just smiled reassuringly and gently patted the boy's shoulder.

"This is nothing to worry about. It's just a precaution. The doctor does just want to make sure that you don't have any sort of neck injury."

Hearing footsteps behind him, Johnny looked back to see the ambulance attendants entering the room bearing a gurney.

Rising up, Johnny and Roy helped load Matthew up before following them outside; Johnny holding the IV which Roy had started not two minutes before the attendants had entered the room.

Without a word Johnny climbed in to the ambulance while the attendants carefully loaded up the gurney. Then the doors were shut and they were on their way to Rampart, with Roy driving the squad in behind them.

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"How's the kid?"

Johnny looked at his partner for a second before his mind registered the question that had been asked.

"Well Dr. Brackett thinks he's going to be alright. He really wasn't hurt besides his broken arm." Johnny answered.

"Well come on Rod, we best get back to the station." Roy said with a small gesture to the entrance/exit of the hospital emergency area.

"Yeah ok." Johnny replied knowing why Roy wanted to get back.

It was Marco's turn to cook lunch and instead of his famous chili he was cooking some sort of spicy beef stew.

Truth be told it reminded him almost of the canned Dinty Moore Beef Stew that you could find at your local grocery store.

The drive back to the station was made in silence, and the resulting lunch that followed wasn't much better.

Mike, Marco, Chet, Cap and Roy talked about this and that but Johnny just ate…well mostly pushed the food around on his plate in silence.

Finally he sighed and stood up taking his plate to the sink before exiting the day room.

Everyone stared at his departing back before a second before Marco asked, "What's wrong with him?"

"Dinner wasn't that bad." Chet remarked, trying to lighten the mood, but all he received was a look from Marco.

Cap however was silent, knowing full well what was going on with his youngest paramedic.

He wished that there was some way he could help the young man who was so obviously hurting inside, but he didn't want to butt in to something that wasn't his business, and for all he knew maybe Johnny didn't want any help.

From what he witnessed, Johnny just seemed like a lost little boy eager for some comfort.

Twenty hours later saw the men all trudging to their respected vehicles.

It was the middle of the afternoon and they were all very tired, not to mention very dirty.

None of them had bothered to shower away the soot and grime from the two alarm fire that they had finally beaten down; they didn't feel like it since the fire had cost two lives that morning, so they all just climbed in to their vehicles and headed on to their respective homes.

However Johnny didn't go home; he took a long drive out in to the country.

The fire that morning had made him look back on his own past.

All in all there were three victims that he and Roy had tried to save; two of which they had gotten out alive, the mother and her two sons.

Roy had gotten the mother, and Johnny had gotten the older of the two boys.

Getting them outside was no easy task, but finally they were out and away from the fire.

Setting the boy down, Johnny had watched as Captain Stanley had tried to hold their father back but the man had gotten away from Cap and had rushed over to comfort his son who was crying, stating that he and his brother had gotten to an argument which resulted in the older boy accidentally starting the fire which ended up claiming his younger brother's life.

By the time Johnny pulled off the road he was fighting to hold back the tears that threatened to overcome him.

Swallowing them back he exited his rover and went down a small trail which led to a tall oak tree overlooking a small pond.

Glancing at the water Johnny could almost see himself as a young boy dunking Jacob his younger brother in to the water.

Jacob would squeal with delight and wipe the water from his face before making a small wave which hit Johnny in his chest.

Johnny would sputter and cough before he swam and tackled Jacob from underneath, pulling him in to the water.

This would cause Jacob to yell out and laugh as he tried to get away from his older brother.

Slowly the image faded leaving nothing in its wake.

Sighing Johnny lowered his head and looked at the tree trunk in which was carved a name.

It read _'Jacob Matthew Gage _

_September 19, 1945 - November 20 1956'_

Reaching out a shaking hand Johnny brushed them against the carved words as he once again replayed that fateful night in his head.

_/\FLASHBACK/\_

_Slowly and with great effort Johnny opened his eyes and looked around the dark forest._

_Daylight was still 4 hours away but he figured it was best to wake up right then instead of giving in to the almost overwhelming call of going back to sleep._

_Shifting some to get more comfortable, Johnny looked down when he felt Jacob's weight leaning on him._

_Johnny focused on Jacob's head which was across his lap._

_Deciding to wake his little brother, Johnny sat up a bit more and said, "Jacob wake up."_

_Because Johnny was still trying to wake fully himself, he didn't see the frost that was on the side of Jacob's face and nose, but he did register the fact that his younger brother wasn't responding._

"_Come on Jacob, quit foolin'." Johnny said with a slightly annoyed look as he prodded his little brother._

"_Jacob"_

_When Jacob still didn't respond; even to the prodding caused Johnny's worry meter to snap._

_Now fully awake Johnny looked down at Jacob and started to panic slightly as he prodded him again._

"_No…Jacob! Jacob c'mon. C'mon Jacob wake up!"_

_As the realization of what must have happened during the night hit him, Johnny just couldn't accept it even as his eyes started to water with tears._

"_No…NO! Jacob…Jacob…Jacob…no." Johnny mumbled as he lowered his head; resting it on Jacob's still form._

_/\END FLASHBACK/\_

"Jacob. It was my fault Jacob." Johnny sobbed as he pointed at his chest.

His sobs were coming with such force that his words were hard to understand, but he knew that wherever Jacob was he could understand him perfectly.

"I was supposed to protect you and I didn't. I didn't want it to happen." Johnny sobbed out; his words slowly becoming clearer as the tears fell from his face to land on the soft ground.

The wind ruffled through his hair as Johnny stared at the headstone carved in to the tree; the wind blowing his tears hard enough so that some actually landed on the carved words.

"You slipped away and I didn't even know. You were so brave and I didn't even get to tell you."

Finally Johnny's jaw started to really tremble; nearly cutting off his words for a second.

However he managed to say, "I'm sorry Jacob," before he lowered his head and really started to cry his eyes out.

Amidst his sobs he mumbled, "Please forgive me," to the tree as he slowly reached up and touched the carved words one last time.

After one hour Johnny wiped the tears from his face; rose up and returned to his land rover so he could head back to LA.


End file.
